Why I took my life – Diary of youth that was tired of struggles anymore...
In the chase of destiny, I left myself to the currents of fate. It headed me to places beyond illusions and that was where it became a pleasant ride, an escape from the past lost in the ocean of ambitions and pursuit. The more my efforts became desperate, the less the fate revealed. I was stuck in dilemma of bending either way, or neither way.
Dramatic changes came to my life in a very low profile. I couldn’t grasp its transition, yet I felt I am not the man I was yesterday. In no way was the world the same for me but I felt it was always the way it was now. There was indeed a puzzle, it was different too but exhibited no change. It was a very drastic change but I couldn’t feel the intensity.
If I had let myself loose to the currents of fate, I would not have been a contented man then. I wanted to fight but what stopped me to proceed were my capacity, authority and right over myself. I was not alone. I was but the last hope of my family, the last resort to the despair of my siblings, and likewise, support of a straw to the drowning lot. I didn’t see myself capable to bring out my titanic out of the quagmire, as the conditions were so distressing.
The story starts with the introduction of a character named Bismal Dilraj living in a rural suburb. His father had long ago settled his family here in search of their bread. Abysmal despairs couldn’t move his father from imparting to their children the gift of education. It took years to his father to educate the eldest to a level that could enable him to earn with a respectable profession and support his ailing old age.
What he discovered at the day end was that it was not credibility that earned, it was dishonesty that prevailed. Disregard for skill, exploitation was the order of the day. Earning money were the apprehensions and worries altogether of this fraternity. Only those were the saving lot who could snatch bread from others mouth. Their food was the poison for the rest of the community. After all days struggle the earning was not even sufficient to cater for his belly twice.
The only luxury he used to do after days’ struggle was to go for a drama to the theatre. He would count the insufficient change to the cashier, a kind widow Mrs. Brookes and she would pass him with a smiling face by paying the rest herself. That was the only encouragement he was used to see for his hard work. He would analogize the characters with that of his real life and imagine his future, whether he will be able to draw the family out of this quagmire. To his disappointment every dream would collapse with a loud bang at the site of lust and luxury.
He had been in love with a girl from the time he was 12. She knew he loves her and since she was herself in love with him, accosted him but he was the one who never gave in. Sometimes he would feel it was his own lack of courage which was the hurdle in the way but soul searching would reveal upon him his limiatations. He was well aware of his parameters and was in the habit of not letting anybody discover his vulnerabilities. He would excuse for something when friends used to plan for some excursion or chill out. He could not afford to bear the expenses. Sometimes, out of his sheer frustration, he would start ridiculing his sense of responsibility for spoiling his joy.
Mr. Dilraj Bancey, Bismal’s father was a pensioner now and left six siblings at the disposal of his responsible and dependable son, as the only hope now. He had his fill but was contented with what he was. But he had to cater for the needs of his siblings. Whether it was his mother’s love that made him so responsible or the call of the situation but he made sure he was there for it. Amongst his siblings only he had fair share of company of his mother, since she didn’t live longer but she also had assigned her liabilities to the beloved son. His siblings were too much dependent on him. Their eyes sparkled when their brother would come home. Even in his tight fisted conditions he had not let his siblings not believe in him. They believed in him and he was much more than hope for them. He meant so much to them and upon his arrival, he was apprised of every development in his absence. Sometimes he had to listen to stories more than one times but he had no choice. He didn’t want to snatch the excitement from their faces. His father only used to watch from distance the chill around him. Annie would always complain about her kits being mistreated and he would have to kiss the kittens just to console her heart.
